“There ain’t no way to grow up that don’t hurt. I know you’re scared baby, whats not to be scared of. Sometimes, all you need is a change. Yeah, sometimes change is good.”
I have been really happy lately, but at the same time, completely unhappy. I am pretty confused to be quite honest. Maybe, I just need a change.
“Every new begining comes from some other begining’s end”
Maybe the snow will help me feel better. Or maybe it’s bigger than that. Maybe I just need to sleep for a few days… weeks, maybe. Maybe everything will be okay.
I finally feel like I am starting to bounce back from everything that happened last year. I am finally starting to move on; I wasn’t sure that that would ever happen. I thought for sure that I would always be a mess. I’d always be completely screwed up. Maybe I was right, or maybe not. Maybe I just needed time, maybe I still need time.
Its funny how for the past few months, I have felt more sure of myself than ever before and suddenly everyone is concerned about me. Its funny how last year, when I was screaming my head off, calling for help, no one seemed to notice. I am currently failing english, and I could care less. I have never felt so stable; I have never been this okay. However, everyone is in a panic over my sub-par grades. A year ago, almost to the day, I was probably the least okay I have ever been, but because I had a high A in honors english, no one even seemed to notice my tears. Not being an honor roll kid has opened my eyes. I’ve seen both ends of the spectrum. It has taught me what’s important.
A few days ago I was talking to a friend, who was shocked that I have yet to do my English paper, and I said, “At some point in your life you realize what is really important; British Literature just isn’t that high on my list.”
My mother was having a conversation with a friend of hers, Allison. Allison asked about my brother and I and my mom responded, “After 11 years of working her ass off, my daughter finally decided it wasn’t worth it and she decided to slack off her senior year.” And Allison responded with a disapproving tisk-tisk and my mother cooly replied that “after 6 months of therapy and quite a few scary moments, I think I’d rather just see her happy.”
Allison has yet to reply. A friend of mine commented on this, and I quote, “Allison is a tool.”
For the first time in my life, I am who I have always wanted to be. Don’t tell me that I am not being myself, because I think I am more myself now than ever. I was lying, all that time that I was trying to be everyone else, nope, it wasn’t me. I was a big faker.
I considered transferring this year, I would have liked very much to have started over. I needed a clean slate so that I could be myself and not have to deal with all of the confusion and misunderstanding. I definitely need a new begining. I need a change.
David Zemens [1955 Design] responds:
Posted: December 14th, 2007 at 12:58 pm →
Trying to figure out what life is about, and what our place is in the bigger picture, is something that most people struggle with their entire lives. Determining priorities is something others also struggle with.
Heck, I’m older than your Dad and I still haven’t got a handle on the issues that you are dealing with. I doubt that I ever will. But that doesn’t mean I quite trying.
Have a great Holiday!
Mike Cherim responds:
Posted: January 3rd, 2008 at 9:41 pm →
Not everyone. If you recall, I’m okay with it. I shake my head a bit that all those years of hard work, while not wasted, do seem so in a way. I question but accept. I think you probably have the same concerns yourself. I mean who wouldn’t? We will often stand by our choices whether we’re 100% sure of them or not. That’s living. And in the end, we always live with the consequences. That’s life. I’m certainly not in a panic about it. You’ll survive and being happy better enjoy your life.
You know me. I’m in no panic. I survived and have confidence you will too. Always have.
Sarah Cherim responds:
Posted: February 9th, 2008 at 10:32 am →
Thanks for your comment David! I guess there is no hope, I though maybe I’d figure it out in time (hopefully by the time I am 25 or so… ha ha ha, wishful thinking, I suppose). Oh well, I guess I’ll have to just enjoy life and stop worrying so much.
Thanks.